The Flight Wing Conspiracy

Nikon D300S: 50mm, ƒ/1.8, 1/4000s

SPANAWAY, WA - Americans are turning to emus for home security - a surprising new shift in wildlife protection. Of clawed monsters over 6ft, the emu is the second largest murder-bird after the ostrich. They're vigilant, territorial, able to rip down metal fences - known to eat shards of glass, car keys, jewellery, everything you hold dear. They conquered Australia in the Emu War of 1932. And equipped with speed, stealth, and night vision, emus are ideal first-line home defense.

Customers Can't Wait For Number-Two

BELLEVUE, WA - You might not expect to find a modern electronic Japanese toilet seat in a bar, but this place is fancy. It serves craft beer. The high-tech toilet boasts a heated seat, and several bidet spray options among other quirky features.

Hulk Defends Agents of Doom

SAN ANTONIO, TX - The Incredible Hulk opened with his thoughts and prayers after villains left another U.S. city in shambles. He said reports that he was somehow involved in the incident were lies. "Never met Agents. Don't have deals, OK, you understand”, the Hulk said.

Critics note the Hulk only hires other mutant superheros - and estimate his business deals make millions rebuilding damage. The Hulk's comments, aimed to clear up the matter, further clouded the issue for some.

The Hulk elaborated that Agents “have strong leader” and that they look “not so dumb now.” He said, “If they did it, fine. But don’t know. You know, people say was them, might have been, could have been. But in fairness — don’t know. You know, and not saying because they, ‘Hulk smart lead everybody’ — fact is, you know, they not know.”

The Hulk was in Texas to host a fundraiser on Saturday. The event from 1 to 4 p.m. will feature a barbecue as well as offerings from sponsors. There will be live music, dancing and "family-friendly" activities.

A $350 donation and RSVP are requested.

One Bird Prepares For Climate Change

YAKIMA, WA - Few birds have a plan to cope with extreme climate and higher sea levels. We found one with an unusually detailed strategy that includes moving north. His controversial thoughts on adaptation have not been accepted by all birds. "We'll need a new niche to compete", he says.

Birds today are already weathering a storm - as full-time work remains elusive. This is holding down wages for many jobs. Experts suggest that while re-training in a new niche is a good idea, wildlife should remain wary of taking on excess debt.

Woman Says Stick Your Ad Here

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - One entrepreneurial woman has been getting some attention with her strategically placed logos. "It's just like NASCAR", she explains.

Her new company, Gaze Analytics, is introducing mobile eye tracking and conversion optimization. "I track stats on my phone in real-time",  she says, "and my ass gets pageviews".