House Reluctantly Approves Extravagant Boot Purchase

LOCAL, US - An after the fact boot purchasing decision was a critical topic for one couple today. Sources confirmed the couple reluctantly approved the expensive purchase after investigations revealed the vague promise of sex.

Woman Says Stick Your Ad Here

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - One entrepreneurial woman has been getting some attention with her strategically placed logos. "It's just like NASCAR", she explains.

Her new company, Gaze Analytics, is introducing mobile eye tracking and conversion optimization. "I track stats on my phone in real-time",  she says, "and my ass gets pageviews".

Self Driving Horse Throws an Error

ARLINGTON, WA - The giant horse caught his left foot on an exposed tree root and suddenly dropped to his knees in soft mud. As his horse face dipped and kissed the trail, his rider was launched.

My shoulder hit the ground and momentum rolled me back up onto my feet. Then six girls stopped, turned back, and saw a suspicious looking man standing next to a mud-bearded horse.

They size the horse to the rider, and I learned that most of the available sizes were for little girls made of ultralight nylon and carbon fibre. Only the largest animal was rated for one-eighty.

Earlier, while a half-dozen girls readied the horses, the owner had looked this one over very carefully - to gauge his mood. "You have experience?", she asked.

The Chilling Secret of Sumo

Woman With Science

SEATTLE, WA - She sat in the center of the busy coffee shop, and felt completely invisible. Bright white earbuds shielded her with dubstep. One blue pill magnified distances, filled the city with hundreds of tiny faceless people, and reduced her most vivid emotions to unconvincing child actors in a middle-school play. She would critique them and their shit story.

We Appreciate Your Shockingly Low Expectations

REDMOND, WA - The six board members spoke as one harmonized synthetic voice. They explained his new job is expected to end in disgrace. It was his duty to absorb bad news - and very much bad news should be expected. I'll take it, said Joe.

He would be expected to randomly eliminate the jobs of family, friends and former co-workers. A new list will be calculated weekly. Thousands of people will not understand this sacrifice, and will likely never forgive him. I'll take it, said Joe.

It is his duty to craft elaborate stories that sell algorithmically determined corporate goals - without understanding. These goals will seem counter-intuitive, even self-destructive. One cannot debate an algorithm, plans that go beyond a human lifetime. I'll take it, said Joe.

Weird Trick Eliminates Hope

RURAL, OR - We drove 44 miles to the self-surgery clinic. The sky was still dark and mall parking was nearly empty, but for a bright-red ambulance helicopter. She swiped her debit card to unlock the door and stepped inside a tiny windowless room. It was refrigerator cold. 

I sat in the stainless-steel chair labeled Mandatory Guest. An attached touch-screen started the Post-Operative Care Quiz, "Which of the following is NOT a sign of infection?". While the quiz turned me away, she undressed.

She followed the robotic voice prompts to change into the blue paper gown and place all personal effects into the large plastic bag provided. She velcroed the arm cuff. She hung the nose tube from her ears like sunglasses. She clipped a blue lead to her left index finger. The robotic voice was satisfied. 

As she pulled a vinyl curtain past the narrow bed, the voice told her to relax and count backwards from ten. The display on the Mandatory Guest chair read 49 minutes remaining.